Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
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fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
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Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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