all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
