Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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