I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
