I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
