I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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