my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize