So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
