1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
