Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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