It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
