I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
