I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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