just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
