Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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