My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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