i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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