i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
