worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
