allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize