Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
