I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
