hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
