Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
he puts the penis in happiness.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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