everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
