We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
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Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
pray to the hookup gods
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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