70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
