I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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