The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
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