so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
