I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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