Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
