It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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