hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT