I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi