I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
