i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
My ATM looks so different sober.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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