There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
