I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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