you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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