You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
