we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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