is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
