also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
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