Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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