Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
