There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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