69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
