I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
