I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
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You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
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So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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