If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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