If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I enjoy the company of your penis
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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