I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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