marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
