Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
